I remember when that first evening. We got there, checked in, set up camp, took our first soak in the big pool and quickly changed then it was time to head up to the bluff. I was excited, all smiles, lots of energy, happy to meet everyone, happy to get the journey started. But then it all hit me. The grand beauty of the desert had been hitting me already in the car, and now standing on top of the bluff staring into a beautiful sunset my heart felt like it was about to crumble. After some music and dancing we stood in circle, admired the beautiful family, it was a beautiful welcome. What really did it for me was when Astarius shared one of his poems. His words flow so simple yet so poignant. I can't remember the exact line he said, but something just unlocked me, and I immediately went into that ugly cry mode. Here I am at the welcome circle, everyone is so happy and ready to enjoy the retreat and I am already a mess. I was holding back the ugly tears with the ugly face and not to mention the runny nose from the cold that I was just finishing up. After the circle broke up, I had to take a minute to let it all out. That was the start of it. I know that I was in for something huge. Through the rest of my time there, things just got better and better, things came to me at the right moment to weave perfectly into the next, and I let go of things at random moments which led perfectly into everything else. There where times when I was completely alone and got to take care of myself in the best ways ever. There were times when I interacted with my new family. Where I was not afraid to use my voice, and were I could listen to words that I still carry with me. The retreat had a different event everyday, all of them extremely empowering. But what is amazing is that every second of everyday there was an empowering moment. Even when I hit my head on a tree branch. I woke up on the morning of the sweat lodge day with some anxiety which I let make me a little grumpy. My body and Mother Earth decided to wake me up out of that funk by letting me walk straight into a tree branch that I had been succesfully ducking under for three days prior. The tree and my head collided pretty hard, but I took it with a smile and was grateful that I was shaken out of my funk.
That night the sweat lodge was amazing. I can't really explain it. My words won't do it justice. I did two rounds out of 5. The first left me dizzy, so I laid out and stared at the stars (oh how I miss those stars). By the time the third round came up I was ready to go back in. It was perfect. A very powerful round for me to be in, it gave me another opportunity to feel the power of my mind and body. The feeling of laying on the Earth after doing that will never leave me. I can feel my body as I crawled out of the anipi naked, covered in more sweat than I could imagine, but it was such a sweet sweat. I truly felt reborn, my body and soul cleansed and strong, crawling on the moist fragrant earth and taking refuge in her strength, and soft and cooling craddle. Anchored into her as the stars above danced and the fire filled with ancestors burned brightly beside me. That next morning, I woke up to find my wound from the tree incident had decided to make itself appear and it looked like a little bird, or wings smack dab on the middle of my forehead. Time to take flight! I had earned my wings.
There where many more awakenings, too much to share. But I will share some things that happened afterward. The biggest thing was the end of a relationship journey. A very healthy, amicable split took place about two days after we got home. Niether one of us could argue that it was time for us to continue our journey's separately, and so we did. It seemed at the moment that the decision was probably best for him, but it end up that it has been an absolutely empowering and fun decision for me. Nothing feels better than actually stepping into the energy that you always knew was with you, but for some reason doubted your whole life. What feels even better is to see how others react and are drawn to that energy. Some of you will know what I am talking about. Other will have no clue. But I hope that all women get a chance to trully feel your inner goddess in one way or another.
Also upon returning, I could not get back into the overload of classes I had taken on. At first I was just to tired, and needed to get adjusted. Then there was a holiday, so no class, then there was the fires and Au Lac and the Best weekend ever and life was just way to much fun to spend it sit inside a class room or on the computer. Now I am gearing myself up for what should be a very healing, beautiful and fun trip to New York to see the family that I have been in absolutely no contact with for over 20 years. I will also get to spend some time with some pretty super(hero) friends. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. All I know is that I am loving it! I think that is it for my first installment of the post-Eden Disa tales. I will end this post off by thanking my Eden family. Because nothing feels better than looking into the sky, taking a deep breath and knowing that we all share that same breath. I love you all. We Win!!!
My wings!
Yes I hang out at Au Lac- alot!
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