Just call me the restless blogger.

I love blogging for the simple fact that it is here waiting for me ready to soak it all up when I have these routine moments of excitement, anticipation, revelation, consciousness...whatever it may be. I love this little modern day journal that anyone can read. It's officially Christmas Eve, while I should be sleeping because I do have to go into work tomorrow for 4 hours of desk cleaning, organizing and fun with the girls. All day I dreamt of my bed and played with the idea of going to sleep really early, to spoil myself and catch up on some much needed rest, with no one to tend to. When I got home I ended up scarfing down the most delicious tomato, avo, dulse salad. Which made me feel like I was back in balance with my old routine. Then after conversing with mom a little I took solice in my quiet clean room and snuggled up with some recent check outs from the library. Nothing is snugglier than free knowledge! I decided to take a nap, fully embracing the idea that I may not wake till the morning, but I ended up awaking from just an hour or two worth of super intense dreams. As I woke myself up and started to dive back into the books I could hear my mom answer the phone on the other line. All I heard was "do you want me to meet you there?" At this time of night, on this night it seemed out of place. Then I hear here start to get herself ready in the bathroom, clearing her throat ever so often. I knew something was up. Apparently my grandma fell. So my uncle took her to the hospital to get her checked out. My grandma is pretty strong so I didn't worry too much, but it brought up so many different emotions and now I here I sit, needing to release them all before I can return back to my beauty rest.

I keep reminding myself that this is the first Christmas with out my grandaddy. While I was strong through Thanksgiving and was able to go to the house on a raw chocolate high and sit in admiration before the numerous photos of my hero, it is hitting my a little harder. The thought of not having his presence there on Christmas pretty much downgrades the excitement for Christmas presents. Not that I want anything. I actually proposed to the family this year that I didn't want any gifts. But holidays are suppose to be about family and unity, and I don't feel it now that he is gone. My grandpa was my favorite member of my family. The one I would prefer to sit and talk with hours on end. I just wanted to here about his amazing life. Just here his calm strong voice and know that everything is amazing. Now it feels like a competetion. With the only male being my uncle, it's feels like a cat house with all the females trying to meow the loudest. I find when you shift, when your soul awakens and journeys, it can be a fine line you walk with the people you love. I am trying to find how I can balance between hyping myself up with durian, maca and cacao so I can just bliss out with them (but that freaks them out a tad) or just giving in and shoving whatever in my mouth just to feel like things are still like the good ol' days. I guess I am just perpetuating a fear. While I am facing some of the biggest fears in my life in relation to my own personal success, I guess I can go ahead and face my family fears. I guess it doesn't have to matter that my mom hides all her spiritual beliefs from her own mom, and that my grandma married a black man but thought that voting for one is evil. So here I go. I am switching my focus. I look forward to embracing my diverse family. I look forward to reliving fun happy times and stories with them. I look forward to challenging myself and my own beliefs. I look forward to seeing how we are all one.

Whew... that really helps! Ok so back to Grandma. I got fearfull and upset, just a tad. Not worried too much about grandma, but worried about myself! I think it's more upsetting seeing something happen to a family member, because you think that it has to happen to you. It's just like how when people say diabetes runs in the family, so they expect it and don't look at how lifestyles also run in the family. I started to beat myself up, because for me a big goal with being raw is to avoid the stuff that I saw my grandpa go through and now that I see something happen to my grandma I just want to punish myself for falling off the bandwagon and not taking my health so seriously. I am really being too hard on myself. Although I had to have some stuff from Magnolia Bakery in NYC, I have otherwise been vegan. I still feel amazing. I guess it's just another fear! Fear that I won't be healthy for the rest of my life. Fear that I won't carry through with things as I hope. But hey we can only live in the moment right!

Ok, done with releasing that stuff. Here is the update on what has been going on lately. Last time I posted I was gearing up for NYC. Well that turned out to be another journey of a lifetime. It was a short trip, but it was just enough. I have been back for 10 days but still have this longing for the city. I am so grateful for my friend and tour guide, I would call him an angel, but he doesn't believe in them. So he is my New York City devil. Instead of having the typical tourist experience of paying too much for everything, and having to rely on cabs, tours and maps. I had a life long New Yorker showing me the ropes of how the city really works. This may sound funny, but I fell in love with the subway. There is nothing like being able to run underground and be whisked away to your destination of choice at any moment. There is so much, in such a small area, and the city is always going. It was a nice change of pace. Running from place to place, facing the cold, admiring the beautiful diverse people, the food everywhere and the fun shopping. I also got to reconnect with my family finally. I only got a little taste of Brooklyn, and look forward to really experiencing it next time. In the short time I had with my family, I instantly felt the bond, felt like I belonged, felt like I have a second home. I can't even explain in words what this meant to me, but this was a huge... I don't want to say closure...it was a restart to something that had been on hold.

More than seeing the sights, eating the food, reconnecting and the romance of the city that everyone dreams of visiting I took away some new values. The experience in the city awakened new desires and might have reignited some old ones. Going into this new year I am looking foward to journeying with these new desires. It's always fun to start the new year with passion and the strength to go foward. Another big thing in my life is my cards. I started with Karma Cards before Eden, just on a whim while at Bhodi Tree, then picked up the Osho Zen cards after Eden, and just a few days ago I got a Thoth deck that I have had alot of fun playing with over and over again. If anyone is interested in something like this. I urge you to go forward. I never thought that I could do this type of thing for myself. But I have seen that if you believe and you call it forth, you can connect with whatever energy you believe in. It's just fun and guidance, sometimes a mirror of what you intuitively know, but need to focus on, sometimes it's advice that you need. Anyhow I am looking forward to seeing how things progress with my decks, and learning much from them. I guess after rambling for so long I will leave you with pictures.
Happy Holidays!





I know I know....baaaaaaaaaaad girl! It was sugary crack!